Push Me Away
by River's Dream
Summary: Carson decides to confront John regarding his true reasons for avoiding the infirmary. Warning mention of self-injury. I'm putting the rating at T, let me know if the rating should be different


*Disclaimer I do not own Stargate or Kutless I am merely borrowing them for awhile*

A.N. Extra thanks to PrincessPatrice for being my beta on this.

_You tell me it's nothing but I see it's something in your eyes  
A fear is there  
You say you don't need me, don't try to deceive me  
By pulling the wool over my eyes_

There's nothing wrong with needing help sometimes  
What are friendships for  
Now please

"Colonel? Colonel Sheppard? Ach lad, can ye slow down just a wee bit" Carson puffed as he ran down an almost empty Lantean hallway, chasing down the man in question.

"Carson what can I do for you today? Oh, and before I forget, how's everybody's favourite, itchy patient doing today?" John replied slightly embarrassed that the Scotsman had been able to catch him so obviously unaware.

Carson chuckled noting John's discomfort at having been caught daydreaming "He's complaining constantly, which experience has taught me is a sign he's on the mend and though he probably won't admit it, those comic books you dropped off were a godsend!"

John smirked with an easy going shrug "Hey its tradition doc, comic books play a vital role in recovering from the chicken pox, no matter how old you are."

Yes, friend and resident geek, Rodney McKay was currently suffering from a full blown case of the chicken pox, leaving SGA-1 voluntarily grounded until he had sufficiently recovered. The team had decided to use this newly discovered time to catch up on extra work which had been piling up as of late for them in Atlantis. John had personally occupied his time with more paperwork than he thought he could have amassed in a lifetime as well as a few well appreciated pranks on the city.

Teyla had gone to visit her people on the mainland and help organize the yearly harvest, while Ronan had been teaching offensive and defensive classes to the newest batch of personal, much to the rest of Atlantis' equal amusement and sympathy.

Initiating this interesting chain of events had been Rodney's newly annual visit to the Miller's, returning to Atlantis only one week earlier. Earlier that year, Rodney had been hit by a streak of sentimentality and severe blackmail from Jeannie, resulting in a holiday during Madison's birthday, which had fallen a mere two and a half weeks ago. Yes, the lovable, anti-children, geek had gone to Madison's 5th birthday party. Sadly for McKay, it hadn't been discovered until afterwards, that one of the young guests had been suffering from the chicken pox. The spots only showed up the day after the party and were passed on to Madison who had passed them on to her Uncle Rodney, who had missed it as a child, as Jeannie's bout occurred when he was on a weeklong scouting trip.

"Well either way, it's good to see his friends are taking such good care of him. There's only so much my 'voodoo', as he so kindly points out, can do, but that's not why I've been chasing you all over creation Colonel." Carson said refocusing the conversation.

"Oh, right . . . so um what brings you chasing after me Carson?"

"Well, since I know SGA-1 has opted to hang about Atlantis while Rodney recovers, I was wondering if you might not have a wee bit of time for some coffee and a chat with a friend."

"Just coffee and a chat? Sure Doc, don't you have any pressing cases in the nest?"

Carson shot John a dirty look at the mother bird reference "No, I've arranged for one of the nurses to make sure Rodney has his calamine and an oatmeal bath in a wee while, but surprisingly enough, the infirmary is much emptier with you and SGA-11 out of the picture."

"Hold on a minute SGA-11's down? When did that happen?" John interrupted; worried that he could have lost a team without being informed.

"Don't worry laddie, the report is on your desk and Elizabeth was informed last night when it happened. She was in the infirmary discussing other issues with me at the time. Turns out SGA-11 also managed to avoid the chicken pox as children, aside from uncontrollable itching they are doing beautifully. I believe they've started a connect-the-dots competition to see who can create the best picture using their own spots. The nurses have been drafted as judges." Carson said with a large grin "Anyway with all of you laying low, my infirmary has seen far less traffic than normal."

"I'm not sure if I'm entirely comfortable with that answer Doc." John said with a smirk "Hey if 11 was able to catch it from Rodney, are there any other personnel at risk?" John asked suddenly envisioning the Atlantis expedition taken down by the chicken pox of all things.

"No, we should be okay, although about10% of the expedition has not previously had the affliction; my team is keeping a close eye on them. We should all be fine"

"That's a relief, if we ever came under attack having everyone down with the pox would be bad. Even if we didn't, that many bored and itchy people could be dangerous" John thought with a shudder "Come on Doc, I know a place where the coffee's bad but the service is great."

John and Carson finished their journey to the mess in comfortable silence, nodding as they passed clusters of stunned scientists, who had been rendered speechless at the sight of the military commander and CMO peacefully enjoying each other's company. After picking up their coffee the two made their way to a more isolated balcony.

"Okay Doc, shoot, what is it you want to talk about." John said taking a long drink of the bitter liquid from his mug.

"Aye, well, the thing is John, I've been growing concerned about you."

"Concerned? About me? Doc I'm in great health, you should know, you put the whole team through the wringer after our last mission, with another check after Rodney's diagnosis. Nothing turned up except some exhaustion and too much caffeine, both of which I've corrected" John said with a grin.

In truth John was worried where Carson may be going and began to unconsciously play with his wristband, a habit John had picked up as a teen. He liked the doctor and wanted not only to be on the man's good side, the Doc had a steady supply of pointy and/or cold objects and a staff willing and ready to inflict them, who wouldn't stay on his good side, but to be his friend. Carson was a good man, with a compassionate heart, a strong sense of loyalty, and a great sense of humour, even if he was a bit over protective of his patients. However, friendships required trust and John wasn't convinced he was ready to share his secrets with the concerned Scot, even though he knew these secrets were severely hindering their sometimes rocky relationship.

"That's not what I mean Colonel. You are always the last person to be treated in an emergency no matter the severity of your injuries. Now don't interrupt" Carson held up his hand to stop John reciting his standard response "I know as military commander the personnel are your responsibility but even after everyone is settled, you hold back, like, like you feel you don't deserve our care. Everyone has noticed, even after you've been treated you're the jumpiest patient any of us has ever had and we've treated a wide variety Son. You absolutely never let your guard down when you're in the infirmary John. It's like you're waiting for someone to catch you, to hurt you." John once again attempted to interject on Carson's onslaught but the Doctor jumped in again "I know you've had a rough past when it comes to medical care John, I've read your medical file from Afghanistan and afterwards. Yes, I do have sufficient clearance before you ask, I can see the question in your eyes. That said though lad, I've read your entire file and you've had this mentality since well before Afghanistan. It's mentioned in all of your medical records since childhood."

"I know this is a lot to throw at you lad, but you don't exactly welcome these more serious conversations with me when you're the main subject. I only want to help you. Is there something I've done to make it worse? What can I do better son? How can I help you?" Carson finished, out of breath and obviously distressed at the thought of possibly hurting the Lt. Colonel, even if it was unintentionally.

John was torn, he could see the open concern and friendship in Carson's eyes and no trace of the pity he'd come to fear from the few who found out about his past and how screwed up he really was, but old habits die hard.

"I've got to go" and with that John turned , practically running from the balcony, leaving Carson with a half-filled cup of coffee and a whole new set of question weighing on his heart and mind in regards for their maverick Colonel.

"Oh lad what will it take to get through those walls of fear and pride?"

_Don't push me away condemn your pride  
Sometimes we all need a hand to get by  
Don't push me away condemn your pride  
When tears start to fall then with you I will cry_

Following his hasty retreat, John had decided to take refuge in his office knowing that since almost no one on base knew of its existence (why work in an office when he had a laptop that let him work outside?) he wouldn't be faced by unwelcome questions or visitors. The only person who might have even briefly considered hunting him down here, was preoccupied with Batman and Calamine, if John remembered the schedule right. As the afternoon progressed, John managed to work his way through mission reports, requisition forms, and other miscellaneous files including Carson's report on SGA-11. All throughout his paperwork, John continued to replay the surprising verbal attack that Carson had launched at him earlier, or at least what felt like an attack at first, John knew it wasn't intended as such. He understood Carson meant well and to be honest he would freely admit that he had given Carson few alternatives as far as methods or venues to talk went. In some ways John was surprised it had taken the doc this long to confront him. Looking up at the clock John knew what he needed to do, for himself as well as Carson and slowly made his way down to the mess.

Carson, meanwhile, had left the balcony confrontation worried and with his mind in overdrive. Had he made things worse, should he have left well enough alone, should he have sent Teyla, ah now there was a lass sent from God, she could get the Colonel to listen like no other. Carson wondered if the two would ever get together, was there anything he could have done that would have resulted in a better outcome. What was the best case scenario when confronting John Sheppard about his past? These were the thoughts that plagued Carson as he went about his shift after supper as he sat down to clean up his daily reports before calling it a night. A few hours later, Carson, lost in his thoughts was surprised to hear a knock on his office door. Upon looking up from his freshly updated file, Carson was shocked to see a sheepish and uncomfortable looking, Lt. Colonel standing in his doorway with two steaming mugs.

"We . . . umm . . . didn't get a chance to finish our drinks earlier, thought we could maybe finish them now, if you had some time. It's my own personal stuff not the mess's brew."

Carson nodded cautiously "Aye Colonel that's a wonderful idea and my shift just ended as a matter of fact, thank ye for thinking to bring some down."

"Anything for a friend"

_No one is perfect, it just isn't worth it to stand on your own  
Though fear is there  
Don't be ashamed to ask me to help you  
To deal with the thoughts, spinning your head_

There's nothing wrong with needing help sometimes  
What are friendships for  
Now please

Carson rapidly finished giving the night shift their instructions and followed the Lt. Colonel in a slightly nervous silence, a marked difference from earlier in the day. Carson was surprised when their destination proved to be John's favourite spot in the balcony, offering a beautiful view of a Lantean sunset and Carson was sure would soon provide an equally inspiring starscape as a backdrop. Carson realised that this was where John felt safest and wondered just what this night had in store.

"To be honest, you caught me off guard this afternoon Carson. I figured you'd call me on my behaviour eventually but I guess I figured you'd be off talking to Kate first, or would bring Elizabeth or Teyla with you to try to throw me off a bit, so when you asked to talk alone you surprised me. Running has always worked in the past, I just did what came natural to me" John said wistfully looking at the stars and for all purposes wearing the appearance of someone ready to bolt. "You said you wanted to know why I act like I do. It's a bit of a story ya know, a stupid one too."

"Ach stop right there John" Carson said, testing the waters and atmosphere of the meeting by using Sheppard's first name "If it has had this effect on you for this long, then it is something worth addressing. No matter what you may have been told in the past lad, what you think and feel is important and worth exploring, especially to your friends here on Atlantis"

"Thanks Doc, I think I know that, I just have trouble believing it if that makes sense. To be honest Doc I'm tired and I don't know why anymore, I've lost friends and ruined relationships because I can't open up and I don't want to lose your friendship, something has to change. You're a good friend Carson and with my team's track record we definitely need you." John said with a weak smile, attempting to lighten the mood but failing.

"I know John and I'm afraid of losing you too and not just your friendship, that's why I spoke up now."

"Growing up wasn't easy. By the way, just so we're clear doc if I ever talk about this stuff again, it'll be on my terms. No sending me off to Heightmeyer. Anyway in my family you learned quickly that everyone had a role to fill and you were expected to act in an appropriate manner. Well, as you may have noticed, I have a slight problem when it comes to doing as I'm told, as a result my Father and I never really... saw eye to eye." John was pausing often and Carson could see he was visibly fighting with himself in an attempt to keep the story going.

"I'd get banged up all the time growing up, you know active boys. Between my bright ideas for adventures and schoolyard fights, guess not much has changed, but my father rarely allowed me to go get anything done about it from medical professionals. Mom would patch me up as well as she could and I took first aid as soon as I was old enough so I could fix some stuff too, but there were times when it just wasn't enough. Making it harder, Mom couldn't drive so it's not like we could get anywhere very easily ourselves. Those times we would be stuck asking dad for help, but you made sure it was serious enough to be worth it, like broken limbs or appendicitis serious." John cringed at the memory.

"I was eight years old when dad said no for the first time. I had fallen out of this old oak tree in the backyard, man I loved that tree. Anyways, he told mom that boys like me would always be getting into trouble and needed to learn from their mistakes, not be coddled all the time. He said it would make me tough, make me a man. The school nurse got me to the ER two days later, after watching me fumble and wince at school. Turns out my wrist was broken, just a hairline fracture though, anybody could have missed it."

"Every time after when I would get hurt, my father would make it clear that people like me didn't deserve help and to 'just suck it up'. Guess I learned my lesson well. I got good at hiding Doc because I had to be good at hiding. I don't hate you and I don't have a complete hero complex, although I'll admit I can be a little neglectful of myself when someone else's life is on the line. I just learned at an early age that no one else was going to give a damn, so why bother wasting time."

"Oh John"

"Yeah, well anyway" John shrugged his shoulders and shifted uncomfortably, afraid to look Carson in the eyes in case the pity he had feared for so long had finally crept into his friend's eyes.

"As for the whole fearing your nurses' thing, I'm afraid the reason will be just as stupid."

Carson looked at John with a slightly sceptical but patient glance.

"Growing up in my house was hard, especially for a boy with a wild imagination" John smiled wistfully "and a lack of patience, and a strong sense of right and wrong. I got into a lot of fights growing up both at school and in our neighbourhood. Before you say anything they were always in defence of others but anyway I got a reputation for being scrappy. I'm sure you can imagine that didn't set well with my father's views of my intended purpose. By the 4th grade my fights became few and far between out of necessity at home. It was okay, I mean, I had enough of a reputation by that point that no one really picked on the others anyway. There were only a few bullies that needed the occasional reminder of what was appropriate behaviour towards others.

My problem was the fights let me get out . . . feelings, I guess and without them I had no way to . . . well . . . get rid of those . . . feelings. I started working out a lot in 5th grade, once Dad's fight ban had been enforced. It really helped at first. I was too tired to feel anything after one of my workouts except happy and exhausted. When dad got going, though, it just wasn't enough. See I didn't really know what to do when he got like that. Yell back and he'd yell longer or yell at mom and that was worse, so I'd just let myself go numb and take it. Being numb let me get through and move on. If you couldn't feel it, maybe it wasn't real, just a bad dream, but going to bed in that state wasn't exactly welcoming. If I didn't 'wake up' before going to bed it was like inviting the worst nightmares a kid could imagine, to take up residence in my head. I needed something, some release, but you couldn't always go for a run when he was done yelling at midnight. So instead I started hurting myself." John started fidgeting with his wristband again, eyes desperately looking for anything to land on besides Carson.

"You mean like cutting and self-harm son?" All of a sudden John's behaviour started to make more sense: the barriers, the self-sacrifice, and the cringes when no one was watching, even John's ever-present wristband all began to find their place and Carson cringed to think how blind he had been to his friend's pain.

"Yeah, I guess that's what they call it now. Didn't have a name back then or at least my doctor's didn't know what it was. They just thought I was some sort of freak or that I was suicidal. It wasn't serious; I was only in real danger the one time. All I wanted was enough to take the edge off, enough to let me feel again, to chase away the nightmares and let me know I was still alive. It's hard to be convinced you're dead if you're bleeding" John stopped wincing in pain at the bluntness of his statement. Carson wondered if John had maybe revealed more than he wanted but was hopeful when John slowly continued. "Anyway, one night when I was in middle school, you know I don't even remember what set him off that time, anyway Dad went nuts. By the time he was finished it was after midnight, mom was crying, David had left for a friend's house, and I was hiding in my room. I was so mad at him, at the situation, at life, I couldn't even let myself become numb that night. I was just too angry at everything in my life. However, I couldn't leave because I was a kid and dad had a tendency of calling the cops when I snuck out and that never ended well, besides I didn't want mom to get in more trouble either, so I took a knife and sliced up my arm. At first I was amazed. It was like the anger, the fear and the pain were leaving me and I was able to watch it go but then it wouldn't stop. I was scared Carson, I thought I had finally gone too far, but I eventually got the bleeding to stop, got myself cleaned up and went to sleep.

The next day a couple of career bullies I had straightened out earlier, decided to pay me a little visit. I don't know what I was thinking, anyways I forgot about my injured arm until the first swing connected. I may have been injured and outnumbered but they say I still put up a hell of a fight. Last thing I remember was a lucky shot to the head and by the time I came to, the ambulance was already on its way. Oh, I tried to talk my way out of it, knowing the trouble I'd be in when dad found out, but the teachers were insistent. I'm embarrassed to admit I fought the paramedics the whole way to the hospital. I know they were just doing their jobs; I just couldn't let 'em touch me. The idea terrified me. They eventually delivered me to the hospital and relocated me to one of those curtained off cubicles. Not long after my arrival, a nurse was checking me over, trying to clean me up a bit before my mom was allowed in. A neighbour had driven her over after the school called. When the nurse saw blood on my sleeve, she pulled it up and, Doc, I know a lot of people have hated me over the years but she loathed me, she was so disgusted with me even sharing her same oxygen. She didn't bother bandaging them or anything – not that I wanted her to mind you – she just walked off disgusted at me. She was my nurse, she was supposed to take care of me. I was a confused kid but in those few minutes, she told me that I wasn't worth her time. My problems disqualified me from deserving help that we're told is a basic human right." John's was becoming progressively more agitated as he told his story and Carson was broken to see his friend physically drawing more and more into himself as though to protect from imminent attack.

"Lad, I have to ask do ye still . . ."

"I know you do and no, not since I joined the air force Carson. I love flying and the freedom that comes with it, not to mention Atlantis. I wouldn't jeopardize that for anything" John said ruefully. "It's not like the temptation has vanished completely or anything. Sometimes I wonder if the urge ever really goes away fully" John said contemplatively. "I mean the temptation fades. I certainly don't think about it every day. It's just when times are really bad, when I'm in too deep, the idea comes back and it seems like such a simple way to push through and fulfill my duties, meet the expectations that are on me. It makes me question my motives when I take the dangerous missions or when I antagonize our captors. Is my behaviour based on protecting my team or does part of me still crave that relief and is looking for a way that's socially acceptable, even applauded, to get the release? Bet you must think I'm nuts with a past like that, still letting my father and some nameless nurse affect me so much."

"No lad, I think ye were brave to share with me and strong to have survived it all. I wish I could find the bloody cowards who hurt you so deeply. No one deserves that, John. You didn't deserve your father's impossible expectations and anger. You deserved a loving home. As for that nurse, she should have helped you, been there for you. You were in pain and she not only turned her back on a child in need but she increased their suffering. She should have been bloody while fired!" John looked on startled at the angry Scotsmen. He was actually angry for John instead of at him.

"John" Carson continued, calming himself so as not to startle the vulnerable Colonel "It's okay to need help sometimes. You have friends here who love you deeply and want you to feel free to lean on us when you are in trouble, or hurting. It's part of being friends, being a real family. It is our honour to be part of your life. Tell me John. Do you feel annoyed when you're helping your friends here, is it a bother?"

"Well sometimes Rodney can be a bit of a pain"

"Colonel, no deflecting"

"No Carson, they're my people and I like to help them, it's just what you do."

"Aye and that's how we feel about helping you Colonel, if only ye would let us"

"What if I don't know how to let myself be helped Doc? It's been so long since I've let anyone in. What if it's too late for me?"

"It's never too late son. We'll take it one step at a time, if you let us. Unfortunately, I'll tell you now that it won't always be easy and I doubt things will be as fast as ye may wish, but it will get easier with time and experience. You've already take the first step" Carson smiled kindly at John who looked back quizzically

"I have?"

"Aye lad, you trusted me enough to share and I thank ye for it"

Carson could have sworn John blushed at the comment. He knew in his heart that John would have a long road ahead of him but noted that the fear and tension in the pilot's shoulders had eased a little after realising that Carson obviously wasn't going to condemn or abandon him. Carson shook his head again in sad amazement at how cruel the world could be sometimes and how those who often needed help the most, were ostracized or abandoned during their times of greatest need. Carson looked over as John made a funny sound.

"Guess the coffee got a little cold, sorry Doc" John muttered sheepishly.

"Aye lad, talking for the better part of an hour will do that to the poor brew" Carson said accepting the conversation's tone change willingly.

"Hey Doc? Maybe we can do this again sometime. Ya know, just hang out and talk. I don't really get to pursue many real friendships here, seeing as I'm the CO and that whole chain of command thing"

"Are ye daft lad, of course we'll be doing this again, Carson Beckett does not limit his friendships to one coffee night a year"

"Well technically we did have two" John chuckled "If you're serious though, you could always come to the team movie night tomorrow. We've opened it up a bit so it's not just SGA-1"

"What's playing?"

"Indiana Jones and the last Crusade. Ya know I bet you could do a mean Sean Connery impersonation, at the very least better than Rodney or Ronon's"

"Why you cheeky little" and with that both men dissolved into laughter, content in the present and excited for what was to come.

_You can lean on me  
Stand by my side, we will fight  
We are much stronger as one_

Full lyrics of _Push Me Away_ by Kutless

You tell me it's nothing but I see it's something in your eyes  
A fear is there  
You say you don't need me, don't try to deceive me  
By pulling the wool over my eyes

There's nothing wrong with needing help sometimes  
What are friendships for  
Now please

[CHORUS:]  
Don't push me away condemn your pride  
Sometimes we all need a hand to get by  
Don't push me away condemn your pride  
When tears start to fall then with you I will cry

No one is perfect, it just isn't worth it to stand on your own  
Though fear is there  
Don't be ashamed to ask me to help you  
To deal with the thoughts, spinning your head

There's nothing wrong with needing help sometimes  
What are friendships for  
Now please

[BRIDGE:]  
You can lean on me  
Stand by my side, we will fight  
We are much stronger as one


End file.
